JackbyDev

The train crash is you not replying to the most recent message in our conversation.

You’ve been making an argument against the idea that people shouldn’t talk about things they don’t want to then be upset and say they like dislike small talk when I suggested they should instead either say nothing or talk about a topic they actually want to. You said you were answering the “if you really don’t care, why ask” part, and when I clarified that I was specifically saying to instead pick something you do care about the answer to (instead of picking something you’ll hate talking about and then complain about it, which is what that post you replied to was saying). I even reiterated. You even said it’s not something you want to do. So, I don’t really understand you when you say that you believe you’ve never made a big deal about hating small talk. The whole time I’ve been saying to just pick something you wanna talk about instead and you have disagreed with it as well as said you don’t want to do it. To me that certainly sounds like you’re saying you dislike small talk.

Maybe work on communicating your thoughts more clearly, because I don’t know how you expected me to think anything differently from the course of this discussion. It sounds like we agree, but you’re just intent on making it into a disagreement for some odd reason. It’s like you only read the first part of that first post and ignored the end and wanted to make me out to be someone who thinks they’re above talking to blue collar workers.

I’ve never suggested people shouldn refuse to engage in small talk, only that if they genuinely hate small talk, they shouldn’t feel obligated to strike up a conversation, or that they should actually choose a topic they want to talk about instead of choosing ones they don’t want to talk about and then complaining that they’re talking about something they don’t want to talk about.

Talking to someone about a topic you specifically say you don’t enjoy talking about only for the hopes that they’ll give you freebies isn’t nice, it’s actually pretty shitty. Like you view the purpose of a social interaction as a gamble to win a prize. Mind you, if you didn’t make such a fuss about hating the process of small talk, I wouldn’t think that, but because you say it’s something you don’t want to be engaging in, I don’t see how else to view what you’re saying as some strange transactional thing instead of human to human connection.

And no, I don’t refuse to speak to cashiers. If they talk to me, I answer. If there’s something I actually want to say, then I say it. I follow blue collar workers around my house so I can learn about what they’re doing because I’m curious. Don’t frame this as some sort of elitist snobbery when all I said was that if you don’t want to talk to someone about something that you either shouldn’t talk at all or choose a different topic you actually want to talk about.

What “benefit” does “someone in charge of all the money” being able to “evaluate your mental and emotional state” give you? And how would you expect me to take such a line of reasoning other than you having a paranoia about someone scamming you?

If you think a cashier is going to scam you because you don’t talk to them then I think you have some serious trust issues.

You don’t need to talk to them at all. A cashier does not need to “evaluate your mental and emotional state.” If you don’t want to, don’t do it.

Then ask about something you do want to talk about if you want to talk? It’s not like it’s impossible.

I never said not to though, lmao, I said to pick something you actually want to talk about.

I’ll muddy the waters further by saying I’m an introvert (and not in the shy way, the same way you describe it) but still define it as light conversation, not unimportant conversation I don’t care about the answers to.

That helps explain why it feels divided though, thanks for sharing the actual definitions.

And you’re welcome to keep refusing to believe that sharing fun facts with people can be small talk, no skin off me. Also it feels odd to that you accuse me of mental gymnastics to hold an absolute belief, when other people here define the same conversational patterns and topics as small talk when it’s with people they don’t wanna talk to, but some other mystery thing when it’s with people they do want to talk to. Not sure what is more gymnastics than that.

I sort of expected it might be the case. People who say they dislike small talk are really weirdly adamant about it.

You’re saying it’s simultaneously enjoyable but not enjoyable?

But why do you think that you can’t talk about things that interest you as small talk? Sharing interesting facts about stuff is absolutely small talk! You’re saying you don’t want to small talk, you want to info dump, but those aren’t mutually exclusive!

I guess my gripe is the examples people give, like if you really don’t care, why ask? And I don’t mean the standard “hi how are you fine thanks you fine” dance, I mean why ask a cashier how their day is going if you don’t care? If you want to talk to them, why wouldn’t you ask them something you actually do care about? There are plenty of ways to conversate, break ice, fill a silence (if people feel so obligated) that don’t involve asking questions that they don’t care about, so why ask the ones they don’t care about and then complain about the process? “Omg, I asked the cashier about the weather, but I hate talking about the weather and it sucked.” Then ask about something you do want to talk about if you want to talk? It’s not like it’s impossible.

It’s small talk both times, you just don’t like forced conversation with your coworker. And that’s fine, but they’re both small talk. And no, I strongly disagree that it’s defined as answers you don’t care about the answer to. Many people who describe themselves as enjoying small talk do care about the answers, or else they wouldn’t be asking them or they’d be asking something else.

I don’t know why people have defined small talk as some exclusively negative thing. It’d be like someone saying riding a bike isn’t exercising because it’s fun.

It doesn’t become small talk just because you don’t like it, it’s still small talk.

They’re both small talk, you’re just calling the scenarios you don’t like doing it small talk and the ones you don’t mind doing it something else.

Some people make it into a personality trait, definitely.

I’m utterly convinced that nobody actually dislikes small talk, they just redefine it to something different in their minds or imagine it was unenjoyable by definition. It’s so common that you’ll see people say they dislike small talk and the say something like “meaningless conversation with people they don’t like.” As if “liking small talk” somehow means you have to like it with everyone, which is something nobody has ever seriously said. It’s just that small talk comes up in the context of strangers because generally those topics are more permissable with people you don’t know (as opposed to big talk topics like “do you think free will exists”).

Also I think a lot of people who claim they dislike small talk view the topics as exclusively things they dislike. As if it can only be about the weather and sports or something. Which, again, is not something anyone has ever said seriously.

It just feels very performative I guess? I’m not sure why it irks me I guess. Like they’ll say “I hate small talk” then talk about a video game they’ve been enjoying with their friends. Like, what the hell do you think you’re doing if not small talk? Talking about recent media you’ve enjoyed is small talk.

I think your definition of small talk doesn’t line up with how people use it.